Dr. Paula Bloom

For the past few months I have been cramming for my upcoming high school reunion. No, I haven’t been googling all the members of my graduating class to see what they have been up to. I haven’t been looking through my yearbooks to make sure I can put names to faces. No. I have been cramming for this event in the way I crammed for finals. How? Crash dieting.

In January when I decided I was going to go to my (gulp) 20th reunion I decided that I needed to pick up the pace of my fitness goals. I was doing great; exercising, eating better and then what happened? I decided that the weight was not coming off quickly enough. So, instead of reminding myself that slow and steady wins the race. That unless I am sold by the pound my weight does not in any way determine my worth. I succumb to my old pattern of restricting food. For every diet there is an equal if not greater binge on the other side of that. When I tell myself I absolutely can’t have something I become rebellious and want it that much more. My all black-wearing angry youth is still alive and kicking and takes the form of an inner adolescent who rebels. (For more on the topic read anything by the brilliant author and fellow Huffignton Post blogger Geneen Roth, my self-acceptance heroine! Her new book entitled “Women, Food and God” is an amazing read about the journey to self-acceptance, happiness and reaching your natural weight.)

What the hell am I trying to prove? I have reconnected with many of my high school friends (and many I even wasn’t friends with) on facebook. Many of them have seen my TV interviews. Now granted, thankfully, in many of those interviews I am shot from the chest up. And a visit to the magicians in the CNN makeup department prior to interviews perpetuates the illusion (hmm, I wonder if I could take them with me for the reunion.) But how I look will not be a shock, who am I kidding?

At this point, with only 17 days to go, I am stopping this nonsense.  Why is it that we try to lose weight before weddings, bikini season and high school reunions? What are we trying to accomplish. For me it is a lack of acceptance of where I am . Of course getting healthier is a good thing. But what I have learned about myself over the years is that quick weight loss leads only to even quicker weight gain.

So, I commit to all of you that from this moment on I will focus on what works. I will treat my body with kindness and respect. I will exercise and eat in a loving way reminding myself that no good has ever come from beating up on myself . I will not restrict myself by making my life so small, so narrowly focused on how I look. I will enjoy being with those I shared important years of my life with. I’ll get down to some Vanilla Ice, the Bangles  and Go-Go’s. And, just in case, I’ll pack some SPANX. Self-acceptance is about progress not perfection, right?

As a psychologist I’m often asked about what I think of social media. I’ve discussed the harm that can be done by the lack of accountability that can come from relative anonymity. I’ve spoken various times on TV about the “retrosexual” syndrome which is basically the idea of being stuck in the past. By rekindling old relationships you also risk stirring up the feelings associated with being young, care-free and in love thus leading to increasing dissatisfaction in your current “grown-up and mundane” relationship. I am personally a huge fan of facebook. It has been like this guilty little pleasure that felt too unprofessional to talk about. Well, fast forward to April 5, 2010, the day my father died. 

After receiving the call around 7 am I was in shock. I sat for a few hours with the news. I began thinking of all the people I wanted and needed to tell. As a cyber extrovert, my first instinct was to put the news online but immediately became self-doubting. Having never lost someone close to me I began wondering “Isn’t it kind of cheesy to put something as big as my dad dying on facebook?” “Wouldn’t people think it was sign of disrespect?” “Will my good friends be offended that this is how they find out?” I realized that worrying about what others might think of me, at a time like this, was less important than focusing on what I needed. So, after a bit of back and forth, I made the decision to update my facebook status:

 “I am feeling ambivalent about posting this on FB but it is easiest for me. My dad passed away this morning. While he’s been sick for a while his death this morning was very sudden. I feel a lot of feelings: shock, sadness yet profound gratitude for the peace and love that has evolved in our relationship in recent years.”

I didn’t inform people on facebook as some kind of exhibitionist (it isn’t like I used twitter.)  I did it because it was a simple, efficient way to let a lot of people know something that I felt was important. It lifted the burden of figuring out how to contact several people, tell them what happened and answer the inevitable “how are you doing” question. Talking about something painful, over and over again, is not necessarily the best way to process it. 

Today, as I write this, is exactly 4 weeks since my dad’s death. He had been sick on and off for a while but was actually on the upswing. The day before he died he had taken a walk along the beach with his wife.  I’ve made it to age 37 without ever losing someone close to me. Advising people, comforting them and letting them know that it is okay to feel is way easier. Feeling this stuff your self kind of just sucks. In the future I’ll write a blog post about following my own advice and how many times I have told myself in recent weeks to just “suck it.”

Acute grief can feel like a really bad sunburn. For me even the slightest touch, to my very sensitive emotional skin, was painful and overwhelming in those first days. I really needed both the closeness of the love and support of others, yet also the space to be able to receive it.

Facebook provides the perfect balance of connection and space. I read condolence messages when I felt like it without feeling the need to respond when I couldn’t. After a few days offline, when I was ready, I began to express my pain and gratitude without feeling the need to have to muster up the energy to reach out to individuals out of obligation. It isn’t like I didn’t call a lot of people and share. It isn’t like I didn’t appreciate deeply the cards I received, the visitors that came by. But there is something about having an available village at any time of day on your own terms that is amazing. Social media is a powerful new technology that can help with the most primitive of human pain.

“After quite a few days looking inward I am grateful to be back focusing outward in order to help others look inward. Enjoyed being back at work today!”

In the past few weeks I have been able to keep people posted. Every dialogue doesn’t need to begin with “how are you doing Paula?” I get to update my status rather than having to respond to people inquiring about it. The day I returned to work at the clinic a coworker came in and asked if I needed a hug. I answered “yes, would love one, but it has to wait for the end of the day because I have a patient in a few minutes and don’t want to be crying when she comes in.” Emotional sunburns can take a while to heal.

I have had some ups and downs in these past weeks and have been able to share the journey. Facebook has made it much easier for me to be vulnerable, to allow others in and to transcend the sense of “have to’s” and “shoulds” which can interfere with the ability to grieve authentically. There’s been nothing virtual about this very real support.

 “It takes a village and I have never in my life been so grateful for mine.”  

 I’m off to post a link to this blog post on facebook. My gratitude is real even if the thank-you note is virtual. 

 

Hi, my name is Paula and I like American Idol. I am ready to admit this which I guess is the first step in my recovery. (Though I don’t think I have a problem because I can stop DVR’ing it anytime I want.)

 Like many Americans, one of the main reasons I watch the show is because of Simon Cowell. Simon is a truth-teller. Of course you could argue that it is just his perspective but I would say that, in general, his comments are pretty much the truth.

Simon is the only judge on the panel that I would trust if I were looking for feedback about how others might perceive me. I think that very little of Simon’s ego enters into his comments. He of course hams it up for the cameras talking about the struggles of being so good looking but if you listen closely to his feedback, it is far more specific and descriptive than it is vague and subjective. His feedback is offered in a non-judgmental neutral way.

Parents and other caregivers play a huge role in children knowing themselves. When a baby smiles it is instinct for the mom to smile back. This is called mirroring and it is a key to mental health. Unfortunately, much of the time the mirrors we grow up with are more like funhouse mirrors, presenting a distorted reflection. If we don’t really know who we are it is difficult to help our children learn who they themselves are. As we get older it is useful to seek out those who can provide more accurate and even compassionate reflections.

It is very stressful when you spend a lifetime completely baffled by why coworkers, partners, spouses, children, those interviewing you for jobs, first dates, etc. seem to respond to you the same way. “How come I never get a second date?” “I never seem to be able to get a second interview.” “Why won’t my kids talk to me?”

I recently saw a 60-something woman named Jane (not her real name) for therapy. During our second session she was sharing about difficulties she was having with an adult daughter “I just don’t get why she is so defensive and negative with me. I am a warm fuzzy person and am a good listener.” At this point I was having a hard time containing my laughter.

“Paula, why are you laughing?” Once I regained my composure I asked her if I could give her some feedback. She said, “Sure, that’s what I’m paying you for.” (I love my job!)

I proceeded with the following “Do you really see yourself as warm and fuzzy?” She said yes. I continued, “Are you kidding me? The first time I met you I thought you were cold, guarded, judgmental and kind of bitchy.” “Really?” she answered in a shocked tone. I couldn’t believe this surprised her. This woman has been walking around for years confused as hell about why the world responds to her in a negative way.

I decided to give her a homework assignment. I asked her to go around and poll some of the people in her life, both people she has known for many years and those she has known for a short time. First impressions are often the most accurate. She reluctantly took on the task.

The following session she came in and was excited to report the results of the poll. “Can you believe it, the people I asked (once they realized that I wanted to know and that it wasn’t a trap) told me almost exactly the same thing as you. They said they loved me but found me difficult, defensive, judgmental and inauthentic. This was stunning to me. It hurt for a little but then I felt kind of free. I realized that I have had a huge impact on how others treat me. I know this is kind of obvious but I hadn’t really got it before.” 

I only saw Jane for a few more sessions. She made some changes in her way of relating to others and says that other parts of her “difficult” personality will stay “I am who I am.” Freedom comes when we can decide what to keep and release what just isn’t working.

Are you as courageous as Jane? Do a poll in your life to find out how people see and feel around you. Don’t do this if you aren’t ready to really listen to the feedback without judging the messenger. Ask those who have known you for a long time and those you have only recently met. As with any poll, political or otherwise, the more respondents you have the more able you are to detect a trend. Once you gather the data do with it as you wish. You can make changes or not. But once you know, you can’t pretend you don’t.

(And Simon, if you are reading this, let me know what you are planning to do after leaving Idol. If you decide to become a shrink, I am happy to write you a letter of recommendation.)

 

Wisdom comes to us in many different ways. Sometimes a friend will ask you for advice and you find yourself saying what you yourself most need to hear. Other times you go to a faith community and feel the sermon is totally directed at you and your current dilemma.  Bumper stickers can provide some of the most profound lessons.  As a psychologist I am always on the lookout for metaphors and concrete examples of woo-woo psychobabble stuff.

My husband recently surprised me with a gift. When I first saw it I was kind of annoyed, “this is the surprise?” I can be very ungracious when receiving gifts from those closest to me. The idea that it is the thought that counts is what I strive for. It is what I teach my kids. I am still working on living it myself.

Back to the story. My husband bought an iRobot Roomba which is a round contraption that goes around your house and vacuums for you. I know that I am a bit behind on the technology front given that a few years ago Saturday Night Live did a brilliant parody about a Woomba that cleans “your lady parts.” So often I get excited about something way after everyone else has discovered it. (Disclaimer: This is by no means an advertisement or review for this product.)

I have been mesmerized by this cleaning robot. It is supposed to be a time saver but at this point I can’t seem to get anything done because watching it work is so fascinating and hypnotic. Where will it go next? Will it fall down the stairs?  After watching it for way more time than I should have I realized there are great lessons to be learned from how this thing operates. All the mysteries of happiness may be unlocked by this simple device. Ok, probably not. But below are some of my observations that correlate with achieving greater mental health and happiness.

1. Not falling off the edge. The Roomba seems to be able to detect upcoming edges and manages to slow down its approach. It doesn’t fall down the stairs. It seems to have a way of coming very close to the edge and recognizing when there is no more firm ground beneath it. It doesn’t freak out or need to call other vacuum cleaners and whine it just simply turns around and heads in a different direction. Slowing down when you notice yourself getting close to your emotional edge is a wonderful way to help prevent falling off of it. “Oops, I am getting really pissed off at this person and rather than lose it I am going to notice it and focus my thoughts, actions, feelings elsewhere.”

2. The job gets done, eventually. The Roomba doesn’t seem to follow a predictable pattern but yet, eventually, the whole room seems to get done. Watching it work for a few minutes would make you doubtful that it could accomplish such a task. It doesn’t seem to rush if the room is bigger or slow down when it is smaller. It just goes around in its merry little way and gets the job done. It is persistent. I guess Aesop was right, slow and steady wins the race. Being goal-directed can be a very good thing. But sometimes, we are too rigid about how we think things should be done. We judge others for not doing it like we do and judge ourselves for not doing it like they do.

3. Overcoming obstacles. When running into an obstacle the Roomba readily course-corrects. It doesn’t seem to stop and ponder why this happened. It doesn’t necessarily struggle to push past the challenge. No. It just tries to find a way to get out of the situation. The cool thing is that when it finds itself trapped it does call out for help and then shut down to preserve its energy. What’s the point of flailing about and wasting energy? Of course in our life it can be useful to understand how we got into a mess in order to avoid getting into it again. Sometimes, however, wasting time trying to recreate the situation in your mind will leave you too exhausted to actually solve the problem.

4. Knowing needs and asking for help. The Roomba knows when it needs to be cleaned out and tells you exactly what it needs. It wasn’t working the other day and it told me that it needed to have its brushes cleaned out. Once we cleaned the brushes it began working again.  It is so much easier to get what you need from others when you actually know what you want and then ask for it. How ingenious!

 5. Recharge. The most brilliant thing about this piece of technology is this: It monitors it’s battery charge and identifies when it needs to recharge, then finds its docking station, and then starts the process of renewal. Wow, knowing when your emotional battery is getting low, knowing where you can get reenergized and then actually doing it…amazing stuff!  Sometimes the biggest challenge to mental health is acknowledging that your battery is running out. People often see this need as weakness. Stop judging yourself for being human and note that even a robot needs a vacation!

Pay attention. Who knows which appliance may be your next teacher!

How much time have you spent wondering, or even worrying, what others think of you? What else could you be doing with that mental energy and space? Focusing on your work. Playing with your kids. Cleaning up the spare bedroom. Writing that book you’ve been talking about for years?

Doesn’t it make you selfish to not care what others think and feel? I am not suggesting you be an insensitive jerk who doesn’t consider the feelings of others. But there is a difference between being a respectful member of society/attending to others’ needs and obsessing about what others think of you. Am I smart enough? Am I pretty enough? Do they think I look fat in these pants (this is in the front of my mind right now because as I walked across the office I wondering just that!) When we feel insecure we are more likely to act in ways that don’t align with our values. We may do too much, not set appropriate boundaries which inevitably build up huge resentments or even just not be very nice because we are irritated. We tend to create in others what we feel inside. If you are feeling small, you may try to make someone else feel small.

Next time you catch yourself thinking about what someone else is thinking about you remind yourself “it is none of my business.” Focus on doing your best rather than if others think you are good enough.