In January when I decided I was going to go to my (gulp) 20th reunion I decided that I needed to pick up the pace of my fitness goals. I was doing great; exercising, eating better and then what happened? I decided that the weight was not coming off quickly enough. So, instead of reminding myself that slow and steady wins the race. That unless I am sold by the pound my weight does not in any way determine my worth. I succumb to my old pattern of restricting food. For every diet there is an equal if not greater binge on the other side of that. When I tell myself I absolutely can’t have something I become rebellious and want it that much more. My all black-wearing angry youth is still alive and kicking and takes the form of an inner adolescent who rebels. (For more on the topic read anything by the brilliant author and fellow Huffignton Post blogger Geneen Roth, my self-acceptance heroine! Her new book entitled “Women, Food and God” is an amazing read about the journey to self-acceptance, happiness and reaching your natural weight.)

What the hell am I trying to prove? I have reconnected with many of my high school friends (and many I even wasn’t friends with) on facebook. Many of them have seen my TV interviews. Now granted, thankfully, in many of those interviews I am shot from the chest up. And a visit to the magicians in the CNN makeup department prior to interviews perpetuates the illusion (hmm, I wonder if I could take them with me for the reunion.) But how I look will not be a shock, who am I kidding?

At this point, with only 17 days to go, I am stopping this nonsense.  Why is it that we try to lose weight before weddings, bikini season and high school reunions? What are we trying to accomplish. For me it is a lack of acceptance of where I am . Of course getting healthier is a good thing. But what I have learned about myself over the years is that quick weight loss leads only to even quicker weight gain.

So, I commit to all of you that from this moment on I will focus on what works. I will treat my body with kindness and respect. I will exercise and eat in a loving way reminding myself that no good has ever come from beating up on myself . I will not restrict myself by making my life so small, so narrowly focused on how I look. I will enjoy being with those I shared important years of my life with. I’ll get down to some Vanilla Ice, the Bangles  and Go-Go’s. And, just in case, I’ll pack some SPANX. Self-acceptance is about progress not perfection, right?

After receiving the call around 7 am I was in shock. I sat for a few hours with the news. I began thinking of all the people I wanted and needed to tell. As a cyber extrovert, my first instinct was to put the news online but immediately became self-doubting. Having never lost someone close to me I began wondering “Isn’t it kind of cheesy to put something as big as my dad dying on facebook?” “Wouldn’t people think it was sign of disrespect?” “Will my good friends be offended that this is how they find out?” I realized that worrying about what others might think of me, at a time like this, was less important than focusing on what I needed. So, after a bit of back and forth, I made the decision to update my facebook status:

 “I am feeling ambivalent about posting this on FB but it is easiest for me. My dad passed away this morning. While he’s been sick for a while his death this morning was very sudden. I feel a lot of feelings: shock, sadness yet profound gratitude for the peace and love that has evolved in our relationship in recent years.”

I didn’t inform people on facebook as some kind of exhibitionist (it isn’t like I used twitter.)  I did it because it was a simple, efficient way to let a lot of people know something that I felt was important. It lifted the burden of figuring out how to contact several people, tell them what happened and answer the inevitable “how are you doing” question. Talking about something painful, over and over again, is not necessarily the best way to process it. 

Today, as I write this, is exactly 4 weeks since my dad’s death. He had been sick on and off for a while but was actually on the upswing. The day before he died he had taken a walk along the beach with his wife.  I’ve made it to age 37 without ever losing someone close to me. Advising people, comforting them and letting them know that it is okay to feel is way easier. Feeling this stuff your self kind of just sucks. In the future I’ll write a blog post about following my own advice and how many times I have told myself in recent weeks to just “suck it.”

Acute grief can feel like a really bad sunburn. For me even the slightest touch, to my very sensitive emotional skin, was painful and overwhelming in those first days. I really needed both the closeness of the love and support of others, yet also the space to be able to receive it.

Facebook provides the perfect balance of connection and space. I read condolence messages when I felt like it without feeling the need to respond when I couldn’t. After a few days offline, when I was ready, I began to express my pain and gratitude without feeling the need to have to muster up the energy to reach out to individuals out of obligation. It isn’t like I didn’t call a lot of people and share. It isn’t like I didn’t appreciate deeply the cards I received, the visitors that came by. But there is something about having an available village at any time of day on your own terms that is amazing. Social media is a powerful new technology that can help with the most primitive of human pain.

“After quite a few days looking inward I am grateful to be back focusing outward in order to help others look inward. Enjoyed being back at work today!”

In the past few weeks I have been able to keep people posted. Every dialogue doesn’t need to begin with “how are you doing Paula?” I get to update my status rather than having to respond to people inquiring about it. The day I returned to work at the clinic a coworker came in and asked if I needed a hug. I answered “yes, would love one, but it has to wait for the end of the day because I have a patient in a few minutes and don’t want to be crying when she comes in.” Emotional sunburns can take a while to heal.

I have had some ups and downs in these past weeks and have been able to share the journey. Facebook has made it much easier for me to be vulnerable, to allow others in and to transcend the sense of “have to’s” and “shoulds” which can interfere with the ability to grieve authentically. There’s been nothing virtual about this very real support.

 “It takes a village and I have never in my life been so grateful for mine.”  

 I’m off to post a link to this blog post on facebook. My gratitude is real even if the thank-you note is virtual. 

 Like many Americans, one of the main reasons I watch the show is because of Simon Cowell. Simon is a truth-teller. Of course you could argue that it is just his perspective but I would say that, in general, his comments are pretty much the truth.

Simon is the only judge on the panel that I would trust if I were looking for feedback about how others might perceive me. I think that very little of Simon’s ego enters into his comments. He of course hams it up for the cameras talking about the struggles of being so good looking but if you listen closely to his feedback, it is far more specific and descriptive than it is vague and subjective. His feedback is offered in a non-judgmental neutral way.

Parents and other caregivers play a huge role in children knowing themselves. When a baby smiles it is instinct for the mom to smile back. This is called mirroring and it is a key to mental health. Unfortunately, much of the time the mirrors we grow up with are more like funhouse mirrors, presenting a distorted reflection. If we don’t really know who we are it is difficult to help our children learn who they themselves are. As we get older it is useful to seek out those who can provide more accurate and even compassionate reflections.

It is very stressful when you spend a lifetime completely baffled by why coworkers, partners, spouses, children, those interviewing you for jobs, first dates, etc. seem to respond to you the same way. “How come I never get a second date?” “I never seem to be able to get a second interview.” “Why won’t my kids talk to me?”

I recently saw a 60-something woman named Jane (not her real name) for therapy. During our second session she was sharing about difficulties she was having with an adult daughter “I just don’t get why she is so defensive and negative with me. I am a warm fuzzy person and am a good listener.” At this point I was having a hard time containing my laughter.

“Paula, why are you laughing?” Once I regained my composure I asked her if I could give her some feedback. She said, “Sure, that’s what I’m paying you for.” (I love my job!)

I proceeded with the following “Do you really see yourself as warm and fuzzy?” She said yes. I continued, “Are you kidding me? The first time I met you I thought you were cold, guarded, judgmental and kind of bitchy.” “Really?” she answered in a shocked tone. I couldn’t believe this surprised her. This woman has been walking around for years confused as hell about why the world responds to her in a negative way.

I decided to give her a homework assignment. I asked her to go around and poll some of the people in her life, both people she has known for many years and those she has known for a short time. First impressions are often the most accurate. She reluctantly took on the task.

The following session she came in and was excited to report the results of the poll. “Can you believe it, the people I asked (once they realized that I wanted to know and that it wasn’t a trap) told me almost exactly the same thing as you. They said they loved me but found me difficult, defensive, judgmental and inauthentic. This was stunning to me. It hurt for a little but then I felt kind of free. I realized that I have had a huge impact on how others treat me. I know this is kind of obvious but I hadn’t really got it before.” 

I only saw Jane for a few more sessions. She made some changes in her way of relating to others and says that other parts of her “difficult” personality will stay “I am who I am.” Freedom comes when we can decide what to keep and release what just isn’t working.

Are you as courageous as Jane? Do a poll in your life to find out how people see and feel around you. Don’t do this if you aren’t ready to really listen to the feedback without judging the messenger. Ask those who have known you for a long time and those you have only recently met. As with any poll, political or otherwise, the more respondents you have the more able you are to detect a trend. Once you gather the data do with it as you wish. You can make changes or not. But once you know, you can’t pretend you don’t.

(And Simon, if you are reading this, let me know what you are planning to do after leaving Idol. If you decide to become a shrink, I am happy to write you a letter of recommendation.)

Wisdom comes to us in many different ways. Sometimes a friend will ask you for advice and you find yourself saying what you yourself most need to hear. Other times you go to a faith community and feel the sermon is totally directed at you and your current dilemma.  Bumper stickers can provide some of the most profound lessons.  As a psychologist I am always on the lookout for metaphors and concrete examples of woo-woo psychobabble stuff.

My husband recently surprised me with a gift. When I first saw it I was kind of annoyed, “this is the surprise?” I can be very ungracious when receiving gifts from those closest to me. The idea that it is the thought that counts is what I strive for. It is what I teach my kids. I am still working on living it myself.

Back to the story. My husband bought an iRobot Roomba which is a round contraption that goes around your house and vacuums for you. I know that I am a bit behind on the technology front given that a few years ago Saturday Night Live did a brilliant parody about a Woomba that cleans “your lady parts.” So often I get excited about something way after everyone else has discovered it. (Disclaimer: This is by no means an advertisement or review for this product.)

I have been mesmerized by this cleaning robot. It is supposed to be a time saver but at this point I can’t seem to get anything done because watching it work is so fascinating and hypnotic. Where will it go next? Will it fall down the stairs?  After watching it for way more time than I should have I realized there are great lessons to be learned from how this thing operates. All the mysteries of happiness may be unlocked by this simple device. Ok, probably not. But below are some of my observations that correlate with achieving greater mental health and happiness.

1. Not falling off the edge. The Roomba seems to be able to detect upcoming edges and manages to slow down its approach. It doesn’t fall down the stairs. It seems to have a way of coming very close to the edge and recognizing when there is no more firm ground beneath it. It doesn’t freak out or need to call other vacuum cleaners and whine it just simply turns around and heads in a different direction. Slowing down when you notice yourself getting close to your emotional edge is a wonderful way to help prevent falling off of it. “Oops, I am getting really pissed off at this person and rather than lose it I am going to notice it and focus my thoughts, actions, feelings elsewhere.”

2. The job gets done, eventually. The Roomba doesn’t seem to follow a predictable pattern but yet, eventually, the whole room seems to get done. Watching it work for a few minutes would make you doubtful that it could accomplish such a task. It doesn’t seem to rush if the room is bigger or slow down when it is smaller. It just goes around in its merry little way and gets the job done. It is persistent. I guess Aesop was right, slow and steady wins the race. Being goal-directed can be a very good thing. But sometimes, we are too rigid about how we think things should be done. We judge others for not doing it like we do and judge ourselves for not doing it like they do.

3. Overcoming obstacles. When running into an obstacle the Roomba readily course-corrects. It doesn’t seem to stop and ponder why this happened. It doesn’t necessarily struggle to push past the challenge. No. It just tries to find a way to get out of the situation. The cool thing is that when it finds itself trapped it does call out for help and then shut down to preserve its energy. What’s the point of flailing about and wasting energy? Of course in our life it can be useful to understand how we got into a mess in order to avoid getting into it again. Sometimes, however, wasting time trying to recreate the situation in your mind will leave you too exhausted to actually solve the problem.

4. Knowing needs and asking for help. The Roomba knows when it needs to be cleaned out and tells you exactly what it needs. It wasn’t working the other day and it told me that it needed to have its brushes cleaned out. Once we cleaned the brushes it began working again.  It is so much easier to get what you need from others when you actually know what you want and then ask for it. How ingenious!

 5. Recharge. The most brilliant thing about this piece of technology is this: It monitors it’s battery charge and identifies when it needs to recharge, then finds its docking station, and then starts the process of renewal. Wow, knowing when your emotional battery is getting low, knowing where you can get reenergized and then actually doing it…amazing stuff!  Sometimes the biggest challenge to mental health is acknowledging that your battery is running out. People often see this need as weakness. Stop judging yourself for being human and note that even a robot needs a vacation!

Pay attention. Who knows which appliance may be your next teacher!

Doesn’t it make you selfish to not care what others think and feel? I am not suggesting you be an insensitive jerk who doesn’t consider the feelings of others. But there is a difference between being a respectful member of society/attending to others’ needs and obsessing about what others think of you. Am I smart enough? Am I pretty enough? Do they think I look fat in these pants (this is in the front of my mind right now because as I walked across the office I wondering just that!) When we feel insecure we are more likely to act in ways that don’t align with our values. We may do too much, not set appropriate boundaries which inevitably build up huge resentments or even just not be very nice because we are irritated. We tend to create in others what we feel inside. If you are feeling small, you may try to make someone else feel small.

Next time you catch yourself thinking about what someone else is thinking about you remind yourself “it is none of my business.” Focus on doing your best rather than if others think you are good enough.

I have been postponing writing this post, which I committed to having done yesterday. I have a doctoral degree in this and talk, write and think about this stuff everyday and yet, I am just as vulnerable to the wide range of feelings as anyone. I know this truth is obvious, being human and all, but many of us think that having a lot of insight about ourselves will make us happy, protect us from pain and make us motivated to make positive changes.

So often clients walk into my office, plop themselves down and say “I hate that I do this thing and want to understand why I do it.” I usually ask “Do you think that knowledge will change your behavior?”  As the conversation progresses it comes out that they know exactly why they do it. “Oh, I push men away because I am scared. I have abandonment issues from when my dad left.” “I can’t stop interrupting people because I get nervous that I won’t be heard if I wait.” “I don’t meditate because I can’t sit still.”  ”I don’t exercise because everyone else’s needs in the family are more important.” “I can’t say no because I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.” 

In this self-help kind of culture, many of us know exactly what we do, and even maybe why we do it. Have you known someone who has been in therapy for years and is still miserable and hasn’t made any significant changes in their life? This may not be the best thing to say, being a shrink and all, but if you have been in therapy for years and haven’t made changes in your life or become happier why keep doing it? (Yes, I know, not the best business model for myself as a psychologist in practice.)

Why doesn’t insight always translate into action? It can, sometimes. But in my practice I see that action is often more likely to yield insight. The “just do it” mentality, when it comes to facing our fears and changing our behavior can be powerful and effective. I think we need to break through the idea that the only path to action is motivation. Action often precedes motivation.

If many of us waited to feel inspired to exercise  we might wait a lifetime. Once you actually exercise, you feel better and think “and why did I resist working out? I know I always feel better afterwards.” So, here is the key. Our thoughts. With exercise, it may not be wanting to do it but telling yourself you will feel better afterwards. Don’t confuse wanting to do something with being willing to do it. 

I began this post by talking about my sadness and helplessness about my dad’s health and end it by talking about willingness. Knowing why I didn’t want to write, didn’t get me to write. Asking myself if I was willing to, now that did.

 Have you had the experience of someone telling you how bad his or her life is? You might listen for a while and then try to point out the bright side, silver lining or what is going right in their life, which is then met with “See, you just don’t get me.” Not only do they want to tell you how bad it all is they want to convince you to see it their way. Now, of course, feelings are feelings and it can be very liberating to share your feelings with others. As friends, colleagues, spouses and parents it is key that we have effective active listening skills so that the other person feels heard. This can go a long way into building relationships. However, there are times when helping someone see a more positive perspective can be very helpful.

 I often encounter people who don’t just want to share with me how bad their lives are or the world might be. It is not enough that I listen and empathize. No, they want me to agree with them. They can almost be evangelical about their pessimism. Sometimes, I have a strong urge to just say, “Stop trying to convert me!” I get that it hurts. I get that you are struggling. But the idea that everything in this world is horrible and I am a jerk because I don’t agree; now that is a different story.

 We all have a hypothesis for how we see the world and look for data to support. This hypothesis is often developed when we are younger. If you believe that the world is a dangerous place than of course you can find a lot of examples of that. Watch the local news on any given night and you will see all kinds of violence. Actually, you will be more drawn to stories that strengthen your view rather than those that conflict with it. Even if something is painful it is more comfortable for us to find things that agree. If you think you are a piece of junk then it will be far easier to believe those who agree with you. If someone says something nice to you, it won’t have any place to land in you and will more easily evaporate.

 A client was recently listing all the reasons why her misery and hopelessness is realistic “the world is filled with terrorists, people are selfish and don’t care..all men cheat.” We spent some time confronting some of her beliefs. She got irritated with me and said, “you can’t get it, Dr. Sunshine, you are just a happy person.”

 People assume that those of us who are optimistic were somehow born this way. For me, this could not be further from the truth. I work very hard to recognize when my thoughts go towards negativity and hopelessness and then refocus on positivity and optimism. It has become more natural for me as I practice it more. I grew up in a home where the message was “prepare for the other shoe to drop” and “the other shoe will always drop.”

 We are each susceptible to the influences around us. Becoming aware of the nutritional value of the foods we eat is important to making healthy choices about what we consume. The same is true for thoughts. Just as you can be surrounded by junk food and choose not to eat it, you can do the same with negative attitudes. However, prolonged exposure to junk food will make you more likely to eat it. The same is true for pessimism.

 There are times where no amount of negativity from someone else will affect us. We can be detached and observe, and maybe extend compassion. At times of stress or transition we tend to be less able to filter those influences. It is important to recognize when you are stronger and take care of yourself when you are not.

So, how do you inoculate yourself from pessimism? How much of it do you spread to others? I’d love to hear from you!

Frequently, clients will come into my office, sit down and say “I am bipolar” as their introduction. I am not saying that diagnoses are necessarily a bad thing. Being diagnosed with a mental illness can be freeing as it explains what has been, for many years, unexplainable. We realize “wow, I am not the only one !” We use diagnoses in our field to give us a common language and help guide treatment decisions based on what has been known to work.

“I am bipolar” can carry with it many associations. For some of my more creative clients, they see their bipolar disorder as just a part of being an artist, a necessary condition for creating. No matter how painful our symptoms, it can be more difficult for us to let them go if we believe they are necessary for our identity or that somehow, they are who we are. (For more information on bipolar disorder go tohttp://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/bipolar)

A lot of times I see clients feeling ambivalent as they get better. “Wow, I feel so much happier” and yet “this feels so weird and uncomfortable…am I still me?”  This ambivalence, which is quite normal, can lead people to stop treatment and relapse back into their symptoms. If, however, an individual can see that they happen to have a condition that isn’t who they are, it can be easier to become free from it. 

In some ways this reminds me of potty-training children. Some kids struggle with letting go of what looks to us as waste, but to them is a part of themselves. They can get very distressed when the toilet flushes. I have heard kids say “bye, bye poop” as they become more comfortable with the idea of letting go. Hmmm..we begin early in life struggling to let go of our poop and as we age, we struggle to let go of our emotional crap. (As I type this I am being told by someone sitting next to me that I shouldn’t use the word crap. It is a good thing I am able to flush that comment down the drain!)

So, I’m wondering: How do you define yourself? What labels do you use? Are your labels freeing or imprisoning? Are you ready to flush them goodbye? I’d love to hear from you!

Not only can the holidays be stressful but many of us take a break from engaging in the healthy behaviors that typically help manage that stress. Parties and travel shake up our routines. We often end up eating and drinking too much, exercising too little and taking little alone and downtime because we are surrounded by others. We succumb to spending more money than we should.

While it can be a tough time for many people, for those dealing with underlying mental health conditions such as depression, bipolar and anxiety this can set them up for relapse. Running out of medication, sleeping less and forgetting to take care of yourself can all make you more vulnerable. 

So, what can we do this holiday season to increasing the chances of happiness and merriment and decrease the likelihood of exposing an inner grinch?

1. Take care of yourself. Just because you are going to parties and gatherings it doesn’t mean that you have to throw all healthy behaviors out the window. Eating a healthy meal prior to going to an event can help you be less tempted to eat foods that make you feel less energetic. Stay consistent with your exercise schedule and sleep patterns (assuming they are healthy ones!)
2. Evaluate “obligations.” Just because it is something you have always done or a place you have always gone to doesn’t mean you have to do it this year. It is okay to say no. “No.” can actually be a complete sentence. Consider it part of your preventative health (mental and physical) care plan.
3. Spirituality. Focus on the spiritual aspects of the holidays versus the commercial ones. What do you want the holidays to mean?
4. Family. There is a lot of pressure (just watch any hour of tv with commercials during this time) to spend time with family, gathered around a lovely table, smiling, and sharing warm memories! Not everyone has those kinds of family experiences and it is okay. Spend time with people you enjoy. Remember that friends can be the family you choose.
5. Create your own traditions that work for you! It may be going away during the holidays or spending time volunteering to help others. I know someone who volunteers to provide coverage at the hospital during the holidays. She enjoys being able to help her colleagues who are then very grateful. This gives her a sense of purpose, a way to help patients during this time and an excuse to not have to attend stressful gatherings.
6. Just another day. You have 365 opportunities in a year to make a day special and meaningful. Don’t limit yourself by thinking it is only possible during these few in December.

If you have gotten swept up in the commercialism, stress and pressure of the holidays take this moment to do a mental CTRL-ALT-DEL to reboot. Now, what do you want the holidays to REALLY be about?

Only three months had passed since her loss, but Sasha told me she was concerned, “I haven’t been breaking down.” 

“I’m sad,” she said, “but I sort of feel like we have to move forward. I have a 7-year-old son at home, and he needs me to be present.” She describes moments of overwhelming grief but generally was functioning very well. Her home was relatively neat, her focus at work mostly intact.

During our first session we talked about the normal grieving process and how actually – despite the popular acceptance of the stages of grief – there really is not a true “normal.” It’s OK to freak out, and it’s OK not to. She found this very comforting as she was beginning to think that not going off the deep end may mean that she wasn’t a good enough mother or that she was setting herself up for a nervous breakdown.

During our follow-up session, Sasha recalled how “uncomfortable” she was at a recent business meeting when a colleague from a different office asked her during a break how many children she had. A typical question, but in Sasha’s case, a very difficult one to answer.

“Lately, I have been saying just one,” Sasha said. “I don’t tell them about my other child in order to not make them uncomfortable. I have a few times and people are stunned this just happened a few months ago, and they don’t know what to say.”

Still, Sasha was uneasy about her response, feeling it wasn’t an accurate reflection of her situation. But what could she say instead while balancing her need for privacy with the consideration of others? 

After some discussion, she came up with a response. When asked about her children, she  decided to respond that she had a living son and a daughter that recently passed away. Knowing this was likely to elicit a sympathetic “I’m sorry,” or “Is there anything I can do?”  Sasha decided to be ready with a positive life message:

“If you really want to do something for me, go home and kiss your children tonight and let your loved ones know how much you care. Try to remember that today is a gift and tomorrow is never promised. Enjoy today, have fun and smile often.”

Sasha felt that with this strategy, she was honoring the truth and at the same time, transforming her pain into a gift for others. That ultimately helps her be able to keep her integrity and enables her to share an important lesson with another person. It is helpful when we are able to, at some point, transform our pain in to power. So many not- for- profit organizations and charities are founded by people doing just that-honoring a loved one who died from a particular disease or reaching out to others who’ve been through the same type of pain. 

How many of us have had the experience following the unexpected death of someone close to us – or even strangers such as on 9/11 – that has shaken us to our core? We suddenly feel very connected to what really matters. We go home and kiss our children and don’t scream about the peanut butter smeared on the carpet. Does it really matter that the dust bunnies are taking over or the laundry basket is overflowing? The trees look more majestic and the sunset is awe inducing, “Wow, I am so grateful to be alive”.

And, how long does it take for this to wear off and to fall back into old patterns and habits. Before long we’re yelling at the slower drivers in the left lane. We find ourselves not even looking up from our laptop when our child is telling us about their day. We dodge a loved one’s kiss.

So tonight, when all you want to do is scream at your son to brush his teeth, get frustrated because you, once again, tripped over the mess he left at the foot of the stairs, remember Sasha’s powerful message: Kiss your children. Try to remember that today is a gift and tomorrow is never promised. Enjoy today, have fun and smile often.